The Hobbit: How to Read a Really Boring Book in a Really Short Amount of Time

     My friend got tickets to go see The Hobbit at midnight, and one these tickets is for me. It was actually my idea to get these tickets, because midnight premiers are awesome and I love them, but...
     I have never read The Hobbit.
     And I can't go to the midnight premier without having read the book, becuase then I will get into a situation like this:
Nerd: I LOVE THE HOBBIT. I'VE READ IT TWICE A DAY EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS. I SLEEP IN A BILBO BAGGINS COSTUME AND ALL OF MY STEAK KNIVES ARE NAMED "STING".
Me: I haven't read it.
Because that would get me a steak knife named Sting to the face, and I like my face the way it is thank you.
     So now I have to read the book. And I sincerely apologize to all of the Tolkien fans out there, but personally, I think Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit are really boring. I mean, I had to be bribed just to watch the movies. But I shall read this book nonetheless! And if you are in a situation similar to mine, I have written this guide on how to do it:
HOW TO READ THE HOBBIT IN A WEEK:
1. Have some sort of deadline you absolutely must have it done by! Like the midnight premier, so you may preserve your face.
2. Do not allow yourself to read any other books. Last night, I told myself I would read 2 pages of Percy Jackson, and then go back to The Hobbit. I accidentally read the whole thing.
3. Treat in like an English book. As in, force yourself to read at least a chapter every night, like your English teacher would do.
4. Try to nerd out over it. One of the ways I did this was by watching Hobbit week on Colbert. Watching Peter Jackson, Martin Freeman, Ian Mckellan, and Andy Serkis talk about the movie kind of made me get excited for it, and therefore, the book.
5. (Optional) Defend Bombur to your dying breath. There are a whole lot of fat jokes about Bombur in this book, and one of things that helps me to keep reading is the hope that everyone else will die of starvation, but Bombur will live becasue of all the fat he's built up over the years. But in the meantime, I satisfy myself with calling all the other characters jerks.

   
Currently, I have 60 pages left of The Hobbit. Then, I'm going to go to the premier and cheer everytime Bombur comes on screen, and no one will throw knives at my face. (Hopefully.)